Santa Claus: Rebel with a Cause
It’s that time of the year again, when we celebrate age-old traditions and cherish those who matter to us the most. It’s also when a 260-pound, 1,751-year-old man breaks into your house and trades presents for consideration (namely, milk and cookies).
Santa Claus is the self-appointed judge and jury of whether you have been naughty or nice. This holiday vigilante is also one of the biggest law breakers of them all.
How might you ask? Well, dear readers, grab yourself a nice cup of hot cocoa, cozy up to the fireplace, and allow us to count the ways in which any court across the globe would have a field day with the jolly but diabolical vigilante DBA Santa Clause.
First, Kris Kringle (aka Santa) would be prosecuted for breaking and entering. (Note, it would not be “burglary” because he has no intention of theft, but merely seeks to consummate a trade.) To avoid this charge, Santa would need to become an “invitee” at every household around the world. We believe that evidence of express consent would be unduly burdensome and practically impossible. Further, as laws vary by jurisdiction, globally meeting the legal requirements of such consent would be exponentially complicated.
Meanwhile, Santa has illegally parked and is trespassing.
Prior to Christmas Eve, he has collected sensitive personal information on the 2.2 billion children of the world. He knows each child’s name and date of birth, race, sex, gender, nationality, address, and most private wishes. (Sounds creepy, doesn’t it?) He conducts high-class surveillance throughout the year with a level of intimate knowledge that would put the CIA to shame. In addition to applicable data privacy laws, it is unclear whether Santa has violated applicable sanctions regimes because we don’t know (yet!) what licensable tools and technology he employs to perform these heinous acts.
It is worthy of note that we have no indication as to whether the rights of Santa’s elves have been violated. Have they been allowed to form a union? Are wage and hour laws respected? Some movies portray the North Pole as a virtual gulag of slave labor. This will of course need to be investigated.
On the night of Christmas Eve, Santa takes flight at a spine-shattering 650 miles per second (or roughly 1046 kilometers per second). As Santa illegally crosses border after border at break-neck speeds, he systematically violates all residential area speed limits. This, of course, could be a contributing factor as to why “Grandma got ran over by a reindeer.” (Vehicular manslaughter.)
While engaging in reckless driving, Santa employs nine iconic reindeer. It is unclear whether Rudolph’s nose complies with applicable vehicular codes. However, Santa’s ownership of his herd likely violated the US’s Reindeer Industry Act of 1937 (which until 1997 prohibited non-Native American ownership of reindeer). While the statue of limitations likely has run its course in this instance, we do not know if these wild animals have been properly vaccinated and cared for.
Perhaps at this point you favor a citizen’s arrest, due to destroyed rooftop shingles and reindeer droppings? For this, or for any other reason, we would love to help (unless Santa engages us and conflicts us out of your representation). Happy holidays, and contact us today!
